10 Reminders about Mental Illness

I recently shared with my congregation part of my personal history dealing with mental illness. Mental illness runs in my family and I have been dealing my bipolar illness for many years.

Some days are easier than others.

One of the reasons I shared my story was to share with people that though mental illness is terrible, there still can be hope. I have hope in the future, rooted in my faith in God.

In addition to encouraging people to have hope, I also wanted to remind everyone about ten important facts about mental illness. I’m going to share those with you now.

1. Having a chemical imbalance is a medical condition, not a state of weakness or sign of emotional frailty. It is similar to having cancer or Parkinson’s. You wouldn’t walk up to someone who is battling ALS and say “you’re weak.”

2. There is no cure for mental illness, only treatment. And though treatment is improving, there’s still a lot to be desired.

3. There is no one medication that works for everyone, or that works for everyone in the same way. There is no “magic pill” that makes everything cupcakes and rainbows. Every person’s body is unique and no medication is going to work the same way for everyone.

4. People suffering with mental illness need Jesus, but having a relationship with Jesus is not going to “fix” everything. Please don’t tell people that having a relationship with Jesus is going to make all their dreams come true. Being a Christ-follower does not excuse us from the hardships of life; it does, however, give us a hope, joy and purpose for living.

5. Having a mental illness does not indicate a sinful life or a life far from God. In fact, many people in Scripture suffered from depression. David, Jeremiah, Elijah, for example. Listen to what Jeremiah says in Jeremiah 20:14-18: “Yet I curse the day I was born! May no one celebrate the day of my birth. I curse the messenger who told my father, “Good news—you have a son!” Let him be destroyed like the cities of old that the Lord overthrew without mercy. Terrify him all day long with battle shouts, because he did not kill me at birth. Oh, that I had died in my mother’s womb, that her body had been my grave! Why was I ever born? My entire life has been filled with trouble, sorrow, and shame.”

That sounds like a man who was suffering from depression. Read through David’s Psalms and hear the depression cycle in his life. And he was a “man after God’s own heart.”

6. You did not cause the chemical imbalance. This one is to remind both families and sufferers. Parents, especially, don’t blame yourself for your child’s illness. And for those suffering, you don’t need to blame yourself either. There’s nothing you do to cause these imbalances. However, that doesn’t mean we can’t do things to help ourselves fight.

7. You cannot fix the chemical imbalance. Families, hear this. As a person suffering with mental illness, I know that you have the best intentions with me, but please know that you’re not going to be able to do something or say something to “fix” me. There are things you can do to help support my treatment, but it’s bigger than both of us.

8. People with chemical imbalances often try to self-medicate with alcohol or drugs. Thankfully I never personally struggled with either of these things, but I know many who have.

9. The best thing you can do for a person with a mental illness is pray for them and stand by them during their difficult times. That will be hard. When we are suffering in the lowest of lows, when things are really down, it’s sometimes hard for people to be around us. We don’t make it easy to love us – and that’s part of what mental illness does to us. Having mental illness doesn’t give us carte blanche to be a jerk, but know that it’s not going to be easy to stand by us.

10. There is a lot of shame and misinformation surrounding mental illness. People who suffer are ashamed, and people who love us are ashamed as well. Let’s stop the shame cycle and allow those who are suffering a place to come and be heard and get help. 

If you’d like to ask me specific questions, feel free to ask.

Feeling Blah

I thought things were starting to look up, but today is another day of feeling blah.

I do really well for a little bit, and then just get so distracted from what I'm supposed to be doing.

I don't want to see people or even leave the house. I really would like to just sleep for a bit.

This makes me think that even my new med change might not do the trick to get me out of this slump. I mean, I know that it will swing the other way at some point, I just don't know when.

I'm hopeful that this swing will happen soon. I've lost a lot of time and productivity at work and at home. I have important meetings tonight and later this week that I'm not prepared for. Honestly, I don't know how I'm going to get prepared for them. I suppose I'll just have to try to muster up the energy to do what needs to be done.

That's easier said than done.

I haven't lost all faith - I know it will be better - I'm just getting impatient.

Rough Days

I'm currently in a bit of a down-spell. I guess that's what I'm going to call it. My doctor changed my meds back to what I was on before (as I wanted), but it takes time for things to get back in sync.

I'm feeling a bit alone right now, and maybe that's why I decided to pick up on this blog that no one really knows about or reads. I just need to get out of my head.

I'm not feeling particularly useful to society at this moment. I just want to sleep or watch TV or play Family Feud on Facebook.

I can't seem to focus on any one task for longer than about 30 minutes, and even then it's a real struggle.

Two Sundays ago I shared my personal testimony regarding mental illness. I shared about some of the downs and some of the progress I've made. What I didn't share was how hard it still is a lot of the time to just function.

I know that this depression - there I called it what it is - will pass. That's the blessing/curse of bipolar disorder - the moods fluctuate. But it still doesn't really help right NOW.

I want to talk to people about this; I want to be open; but I still can't quite be open and honest with people about the current struggles - just the past. I don't know why that is - it doesn't make a lot of logical sense.

I know that I'll be OK. I know that the medication adjustment will kick in in a few days/weeks and I'll be back to feeling "normal." It's just a matter of making it through this time without completely falling apart.

Meds

I’m sick of taking medication.

I want to quit.

I mean I really want to quit.

I wonder if who I am now is who I truly am or if I am just some shadow of my real self. I know that my meds change who I am – I get sick if I forget to take them.

How do I know that the meds aren’t making me into a totally different person?

Would I still like the same things? Would I still hate the same things? Would I still want to do the same things?

I guess I’ll only know if I go off my meds.

But I don’t.

I want to, but I won’t.

Here’s the three biggest reasons: Lori, Logan and Kamryn.

I know that when I’m off my meds, my mood swings are off the charts. I know that I will have highs that are electric, but also lows where I will want to crawl inside a cave and snuff myself out.

I know that when I’m off my meds I can’t always function in day-to-day tasks with any consistency. I can’t pay the bills on time; I don’t speak to people in love.

Instead, when I’m off my meds, it’s all about ME. It’s about how I feel, what I feel, when I feel.

If I were to go off my meds, I would be ignoring the relationships I have with my family, my church and even to God. I can’t worship God when I don’t give a rat’s behind about anybody but myself.

I don’t want my kids to have to go through what my wife went through before I found meds that work. I don’t want them to grow up never knowing if dad’s going to be stable enough to come to a soccer match or the school program.

Thinking further down the road, I want to be able to see them get married and play with my grandkids.

I know that if I’m not on my meds, those things may not be possible. And even if I was functional enough to go to those events med-free, do I really want to be the one everyone is worried about blowing up, starting a fight or talking about something inappropriate?

So I guess the point is that I hate being on meds, but I also fear the damage I will do to my friends and family enough to stay on them. It sucks, but that’s the way it is.

I find comfort in the fact that God knew that I was going to be this way – to have this disorder – and he still chose to use me for his glory and work. That’s pretty awesome. 

ONE Article: Bipolar, the Conclusion

I decided to write about my bipolar for a number of reasons. One of which was to help diminish the stigma that is associated with having a mental illness. I hope that I have been able to help.
At the same time, I know that there is a long way to go. Someone just this week told me that during a church service here in Hays the speaker told the congregation that depression was a result of sin in a person’s life.

When I heard this, I was very upset, but unfortunately I was not surprised.

Depression, bipolar and other mental illnesses are often seen as a different from all other illnesses. People don’t realize that the chemical imbalances that occur in the brain are just as harmful as diabetes or cancer. I wonder if that speaker would say that those who develop breast cancer do so because of unrepentant sin in their life.

This highlights the fact that there is much work to be done as far as education about mental illness. If I have been able to reach just one person through this column, then I feel that it was worth it.

Mainly, though, the feedback to sharing my story has been overwhelmingly positive. I have had the honor of talking with many of you on the phone or in person, and I treasure the stories that you have shared and the time we spent together. I want to encourage you that though my columns in ONE have come to a close, I am still more than willing to talk with you.

In addition, I am going to continue writing my thoughts about being bipolar on a new blog that I have started: yesIamBipolar.blogspot.com. My hope is to update the blog twice per month so that I can continue to help those who are struggling with questions about bipolar.

Every person deals with some sort of health concern. That’s just how it goes. If you haven’t had cancer, you know someone who has. If you don’t have a mental illness, you know someone who does. I hope that through reading this series of articles you have been able to be encouraged, educated and better equipped about mental illnesses.

I want to take a minute to honor my wife, Lori. When we got married “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health,” neither of us knew how bad things were going to get. I cannot comprehend the pain that I have caused her through all this, and I am so grateful that by the grace of God she has stuck by my side through all of this. Without her I don’t know where I would be.

I truly am blessed to be married to my best friend. Thank you, Lori. I love you.

ONE Article: Bipolar, Part 4

My family has been killed in a car accident. I knew that I shouldn’t have stayed at home. What was I thinking? I can’t believe I let this happen. If only I’d finished my work ahead of time I could have…


**RING** **RING**

“Hey Kev, sorry I couldn’t answer my phone just now, but I was driving and couldn’t find it. What’s up?” my wife says.

***

Racing thoughts are one of the many things that I struggle with being bipolar. When I can’t get a hold of someone, my mind often jumps to the worst possible scenario and my body reacts as if it were a true crisis.

Now would someone sitting next to me while I’m having these thoughts necessarily know that I am freaking out inside? Probably not. I don’t get hysterical – but my mind just starts going through all of the possible, although highly improbable, scenarios.

My mind also races about other things – not just tragedies. Often I will have periods of time when I can write and write and everything just clicks. I can tap into my creative self in ways I’m not always able to under “normal” circumstances (whatever “normal” is). Or I start thinking about a new way to do something or how great things will be when this or that happens.

Sometimes the thoughts are good, sometimes they are bad, and there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason why they are one way or the other. All I know is that it drives me nuts when it happens. It’s like someone hijacks my brain and there’s not much I can do about it.

When it happens, I have to try to distract myself with something else. I try to call someone. I turn up the radio louder. I start talking out loud to myself. I’ll do just about anything to get them to stop.

When I can’t get them to stop, there’s a risk for me to have a panic attack.

***

“I don’t know why, but I’ve just got to get out of here.” I told my wife.

She could see in my eyes that I wasn’t joking around, so we took the kids and got back into the van. She drove, and as we were leaving I was flooded with unchecked emotion. I didn’t know where the emotion came from or what was going to happen next.

As we drove down the highway, I started shaking a bit and then began to cry. I was tense and filled with a fear and uncertainty that was simply overwhelming. My wife looked over at me and didn’t know what to think or do. The fact was, neither did I.

It felt like it lasted for over 3 hours, but really it was probably just 15 minutes. I finally started to relax a bit, and then the tears stopped and I was able to regain some composure. I hadn’t had a panic attack in years, and I wasn’t prepared or expecting one right then – but really, when do you expect a panic attack?

***

My panic attacks have been much worse, but that is the latest one.

I have never written about my bipolar before, and I appreciate the cards, notes and emails that people have sent encouraging me to continue writing. I am honored that many of you have decided to share a bit of your stories with me, and I hope to continue hearing from you.

If you’re suffering with any form of mental illness, I want you to know that you are not alone.

ONE Article: Bipolar, Part 3

This sucks.

The problem started with something called art therapy. OK – it involved more than that, but that was what we spent the majority of the time doing during this time of day. If I have to make one more * collage I’m going to paper-cut myself to death!

The therapist who was responsible for art therapy was probably a nice person. We got along in the beginning, but then she noticed that I sat in the same place every day. It was a rectangular table and I would always sit at the shorter end facing the window, where I could see everyone. She would often sit opposite me and most of the others would sit on either side.

Well, she decided that I was making a power play on her and the group.

“No, I just want to be able to see people’s faces when they talk.” I said.

“Well, I’d like you to sit somewhere else.”

It was nearing the end of my treatment and I just wanted to go home, so I agreed. I sat someplace different. I can’t wait to get out of here and away from the seat Nazi. … Great, another art project with cotton balls.

The next day for group therapy, which was in a different room, the regular guy was gone and my individual therapist was filling in. I arrived a couple minutes late and when I went to sit down he said, “Kevin, the group has decided that you are going to sit here today,” pointing to a metal folding chair on the side of the circle.

What * is he talking about?

“Kevin, you always sit in the same place and now the group has decided you should sit in this chair here.”

I was angry, and I was hurt. My “friends” talked about me when I wasn’t here and then decided to make me sit in this metal chair while they all sit on cloth chairs and sofas? “Can I at least sit there?” I asked as I pointed to another empty chair.

“That’s fine. We just didn’t want you sitting in your regular place.”

I didn’t say a word for those 90 minutes. I was pissed.

After group the first thing out of my friend’s mouth was that the therapist was the one with the idea to have me sit someplace different, and not the group’s. This furthered my distrust for my therapist and my anger for his lie was off the charts.

I was in a strange environment and one of my few familiar things was sitting in a particular seat in the circle. It may sound silly, but when my life was falling apart I wanted to be able to have something within my control. But that’s not how he saw it and it greatly damaged our therapeutic relationship. Like I said, it may sound silly, but at the time that was virtually all I had.