ONE Article: Bipolar, Part 4

My family has been killed in a car accident. I knew that I shouldn’t have stayed at home. What was I thinking? I can’t believe I let this happen. If only I’d finished my work ahead of time I could have…


**RING** **RING**

“Hey Kev, sorry I couldn’t answer my phone just now, but I was driving and couldn’t find it. What’s up?” my wife says.

***

Racing thoughts are one of the many things that I struggle with being bipolar. When I can’t get a hold of someone, my mind often jumps to the worst possible scenario and my body reacts as if it were a true crisis.

Now would someone sitting next to me while I’m having these thoughts necessarily know that I am freaking out inside? Probably not. I don’t get hysterical – but my mind just starts going through all of the possible, although highly improbable, scenarios.

My mind also races about other things – not just tragedies. Often I will have periods of time when I can write and write and everything just clicks. I can tap into my creative self in ways I’m not always able to under “normal” circumstances (whatever “normal” is). Or I start thinking about a new way to do something or how great things will be when this or that happens.

Sometimes the thoughts are good, sometimes they are bad, and there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason why they are one way or the other. All I know is that it drives me nuts when it happens. It’s like someone hijacks my brain and there’s not much I can do about it.

When it happens, I have to try to distract myself with something else. I try to call someone. I turn up the radio louder. I start talking out loud to myself. I’ll do just about anything to get them to stop.

When I can’t get them to stop, there’s a risk for me to have a panic attack.

***

“I don’t know why, but I’ve just got to get out of here.” I told my wife.

She could see in my eyes that I wasn’t joking around, so we took the kids and got back into the van. She drove, and as we were leaving I was flooded with unchecked emotion. I didn’t know where the emotion came from or what was going to happen next.

As we drove down the highway, I started shaking a bit and then began to cry. I was tense and filled with a fear and uncertainty that was simply overwhelming. My wife looked over at me and didn’t know what to think or do. The fact was, neither did I.

It felt like it lasted for over 3 hours, but really it was probably just 15 minutes. I finally started to relax a bit, and then the tears stopped and I was able to regain some composure. I hadn’t had a panic attack in years, and I wasn’t prepared or expecting one right then – but really, when do you expect a panic attack?

***

My panic attacks have been much worse, but that is the latest one.

I have never written about my bipolar before, and I appreciate the cards, notes and emails that people have sent encouraging me to continue writing. I am honored that many of you have decided to share a bit of your stories with me, and I hope to continue hearing from you.

If you’re suffering with any form of mental illness, I want you to know that you are not alone.