I’m sick of taking medication.
I want to quit.
I mean I really want to quit.
I wonder if who I am now is who I truly am or if I am just some shadow of my real self. I know that my meds change who I am – I get sick if I forget to take them.
How do I know that the meds aren’t making me into a totally different person?
Would I still like the same things? Would I still hate the same things? Would I still want to do the same things?
I guess I’ll only know if I go off my meds.
But I don’t.
I want to, but I won’t.
Here’s the three biggest reasons: Lori, Logan and Kamryn.
I know that when I’m off my meds, my mood swings are off the charts. I know that I will have highs that are electric, but also lows where I will want to crawl inside a cave and snuff myself out.
I know that when I’m off my meds I can’t always function in day-to-day tasks with any consistency. I can’t pay the bills on time; I don’t speak to people in love.
Instead, when I’m off my meds, it’s all about ME. It’s about how I feel, what I feel, when I feel.
If I were to go off my meds, I would be ignoring the relationships I have with my family, my church and even to God. I can’t worship God when I don’t give a rat’s behind about anybody but myself.
I don’t want my kids to have to go through what my wife went through before I found meds that work. I don’t want them to grow up never knowing if dad’s going to be stable enough to come to a soccer match or the school program.
Thinking further down the road, I want to be able to see them get married and play with my grandkids.
I know that if I’m not on my meds, those things may not be possible. And even if I was functional enough to go to those events med-free, do I really want to be the one everyone is worried about blowing up, starting a fight or talking about something inappropriate?
So I guess the point is that I hate being on meds, but I also fear the damage I will do to my friends and family enough to stay on them. It sucks, but that’s the way it is.
I find comfort in the fact that God knew that I was going to be this way – to have this disorder – and he still chose to use me for his glory and work. That’s pretty awesome.
